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Wisconsinite Jokes - You might be a Wisconsinite if...
While some may call Wisconsinites' ways "local flavor" or eccentricities, we just consider the following "life" in the Badger state. In a land where winter clothing is never really put away, Wisconsinites have learned to keep things in perspective with a great sense of humor. Browse my "You might be a Wisconsinite" list and see how you measure up!
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you refer to a drinking fountain as the bubbler.
..."vacation" means going 'up nort' to Crivitz for the weekend.
...you measure distance in hours.
...you know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you often switch from "heat" to "A/C" and back again. In the same day.
...you use a down comforter and gloves in the summer.
...you drive at 65mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
...you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
...you think of the major food groups as cheese, venison, beer, fish and berries.
...you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
...there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Fleet Farm at any given time.
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You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
...driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
...you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
...you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...it takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
...you buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.
...Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
...you define summer as three months of bad sledding.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...snow tires come standard on all your cars.
...you refer to the Packers as "we".
...you have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
...you can identify an Illinois accent.
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You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...You know what cow-tipping is.
...you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
..."Down South" to you means Chicago.
...a brat is something you eat.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
...you consider Madison exotic.
...you got a passport to go to Minnesota.
...you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
...your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
...your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.
...your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
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You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you go out for fish fry every Friday.
...you can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
...you know how to polka.
...formal wear is blue jeans and a baseball cap.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop".
...you were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
...your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
...you know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
...you can visit Rome, Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon.
...you only know three spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Dusseldorf mustard.
...you've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
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You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
...you owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
...the local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 4 pages for sports.
...at least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
...you think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
...you find 0 degrees a little chilly.
...you know what to do with a Blatz.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...you consider the mosquito as the state bird.
...the first card game you learned as a child was Sheepshead.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
...you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
...you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.
...your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.
...you wear blaze orange to a Packers game in November.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...40 degrees in spring is considered "HOT', and in fall it's darned cold.
...You can't believe that other states close down when there is 2" of snow.
...sitting in lawn chairs in the driveway with a beer is common.
...bar hopping between a wedding and reception is normal.
...your dog sits in the front seat of the car more than your wife and children.
...You have driven your car on a lake.
...At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hokey pokey & the chicken dance.
...The local gas station sells live bait.
...You know what "farmer's suntan" is.
You might be a Wisconsinite if...
...your toddler can ice skate/play hockey before pottytraining.
...no steak/cheese/milk in another state is good enough.
You might be a wisconsinite if you.....
...Have at least 10 packer ornaments
...You only cry when Brett Farve talks about retierment
...Your girlfriend knows as much about football as you do
...11.8 proof is nothing
You might be a wisconsinite if....
...Beer bongs are for people who can't drink fast enough
...Cows dont faze your children past 1 year old
...Drinking a beer in the morning to get rid of a hangover, is how you were brought up
...Ice fishing in march and april is perfectly normal
...You think getting up at 3 o'clock in the morning to go fishing is PRIME fishing time
...At least one male you know owns the shirt "Women want me, fish fear me"
...Not fixing things yourself is pathetic
Cheddarhead Dictionary
A partial list of Wisconsinisms.
If you tink you can deck yourself out in green and gold and walk around occasionally bellowing "Go-Pack-Go!" and qualify as a Wisconsin native...you're dead wrong. Youse gotta know the lingo too, ya-know, hey.
Fer dos of youse jus plannin a trip nort to Wisconsin der, yur gonna wanna no da followin words.
Ain-a OR Ain-a-hey: placed at the end of a profound statement; as in "isn't It?"
Bart: a Green Bay institution who doesn't need a last name; (see "Vince").
Believe-you-me: attached to the beginning or end a statement makes it more credible; as in, "really!"
Big fatties: nightcrawlers for fishin'.
Blaze orange: what deer hunters and cold-weather Packers fans wear at Lambeau.
Born in a barn?: a sarcastic question which usually means you left the door open.
Borrow: used in place of "lend," as in, "could youse borrow me a couple two-tree bucks?"
Brat: a sausage; a Wisconsin tailgate favorite;doesn't have anything to do with a spoiled kid.
Bubbler: to the rest of the world outside Wisconsin's borders, it is known as a drinking fountain.
Budge: to merge without permission; cut in; as in "Don't you budge in line for a brat, I was here first!"
By: to; near; as in "Let's go by One Eyed Jack's,"or "She'll come by Froggers tonight." It has nothing to do with a purchase.
Cheddarhead: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheesehead."
Cheesehead: someone from Wisconsin; see, "Cheddarhead."
Cheese curd: small pieces of fresh cheese that squeak when you bite into them; a parish picnic favorite when deep fried.
Come-here-once: a beckoning call to another Cheddarhead.
Couple-two-tree: more than one; as in "Delmer and I drank a couple-two-tree beers."
Cripes: a Wisconsin expletive.
Cripes-sake: a mild Wisconsin expletive.
Cry-yiy!: a bit stronger expletive.
Cry-yiy-yiy!: a much stronger expletive.
Crymany-cripes-sake: a wild Wisconsin expletive.
D: a substitute for words beginning with "TH;" as in"Dat guy over dere in dah Bears shirt is a FIB."
Da OR Dah: used in place of "the", almost the same rules as D.
Davenport: what your mom called the sofa; a couch.
Dere: used in place of "there". Same rule applies to all "th" words - see D
Fair-to-midlin: not bad or great, just "O.K."
FIB: acronym (three words) for our neighbors sout of the state line - middle word is "Illinois".
Fish fry: a Friday night dining ritual in Wisconsin.
Farm & Fleet: a Cheddarhead's answer to Bloomingdales.
Frozen tundra: Lambeau Field.
Geeez!: Another Wisconsin expletive.
Gohead: proceed; as in, "gohead and back up your car."
Gots: used in place of "have;" as in, "I gots my tickets to watch da Packers play on da Frozen Tundra."
Guldarn: another Wisconsin expletive.
Hey: placed at the beginning or end of phrases for emphasis, as in "Hey, how 'bout them Packers?" or "How 'bout them Packers, hey?"
Holy-cry-yiy!: as in, "wow!"
How's-by-you?: a greeting; the same as, "How's everything?"
Humdinger: a beauty; as in "dat crappy youse caught upnort is a real humdinger."
John Deere: a Cheddarhead's other vehicle.
M'walkey: Wisconsin's largest city; located just down the lake from Trivers and Mantwoc.
N'so?: a word inserted at the end of a statement; used as a substitute for "right?" or "correct?"
Oh, yah: depending on emphasis, it's either used as acknowledgment (as "That's correct") or skepticism (That's bull!).
Parish picnics: social events of the summer upnort.
Pert-neer: near; in close proximity; just about.
Polka: what you do at parish picnics.
Rubbers: protection for your shoes; also known as "galoshes."
Sconsin: the state where Cheeseheads are from.
Schmear: when someone piles on points when playing Sheepshead.
Sheepshead: a card game.
Side-by-each: used instead of, "next to each other."
Skeeter: Wisconsin state bird.
Smelt: used in place of "smelled", also a fish that you catch in nets.
Soda: a non-alcoholic drink such as coke, pepsi, etc. Everywhere else it means club soda.
Sout: the direction you travel from Wisconsin to find lots of FIBs.
Start wit me last: to forfeit your turn, "go ahead of me", or "you go first".
Stop-and-go lights: what everyone else refers to as traffic signals.
Tirdy: same as "thirty", and used on all numbers from 30 thru 39. Exception to the "D"rule, similar to "tink" and "tousand"..
Uff-dah: affirmative; as in "that's right!"
Un-thaw: to defrost.
Where-bouts: locality; proximity; as in, "where-bouts are youse guys from?"
Upnort: where Wisconsinites go on vacation.
Up-side right: right side up.
Vince: the other Green Bay icon who doesn't need a last name for recognition; (see "Bart").
Whozitz: a thing.
Yah-hey: affirmative; as in "uff-dah."
You-betcha: affirmative; as in "Yah-hey."
Youse: pronounced "YOOS;" it means "you" as in "are youse guys goin' up nort?"
Youper: someone from ever further upnort than you.
You May Be In the Midwest if...
Those raised on the Coasts sometimes accidentally find themselves actually inside states like Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, and the Dakotas. The Tourism Councils of those states have developed the following information to help these outsiders understand the Midwest.
The farm boy standing beside that feed bin burned more calories before breakfast this morning than you did at the gym all last week.
This is called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, your Navigator is going to get dusty. We buy four-wheel drives because we need it. Drive it or park it on the blacktop.
We've all been hunting and fishing since we were seven years old. Yes, we saw Bambi. We got over it. You should too.
Any references to "corn-fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.
Sure; go ahead; use that $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Just don't whine when a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you like to fish for: bait.
Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. Better hope it's not in your shirt pocket at the time.
Yep, whiskey costs two bucks. We buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for a shot.
Nope, there's nothing "Vegetarian" on the menu. Order steak. Rare. Or, order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
You may bring Coke into my house but it had better be capitalized and liquid.
We're not impressed when you brag about your sixty thousand-dollar car that you drive only on weekends. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we only use two weeks a year.
Get this straight: we have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. Sometimes we even stop when it's yellow.
Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. You're a feminist? Cute.
Yeah, we eat catfish. And carp, too. And turtle. You want sushi and caviar? It's sold at The Bait Shop.
They're pigs. That's how a pig smells. Get over it.
The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
Yeah, every person in every pickup waves. It's called "being friendly." Get it?
We have golf courses; just don't hit your ball into a water hazard. It spooks the fish.
That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot ... his name is, "Sir" ... no matter how old he is.
Don't like any of this? Interstates 70, 80 & 90 all go two ways and Interstates 29 & 35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
Facilities Prioritization
Troy Aikman, after living a full life, died.
When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.
They came to a modest little house with a faded Cowboys flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Troy," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Troy felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every window, a Title Towel.
Troy looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I've been a dominant QB in the NFL and I've led my team to a number of glorious victories as well."
God said "So what do you want to know, Troy?"
"Well, why does Brett Favre get a better house than me?"
God chuckled and said "Troy, that's not Brett Favre's house, it's mine."
A Smart Move
Four guys are driving cross-country together. One is from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Illinois and one from Wisconsin.
A bit down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho, they're laying around on the ground - I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Wisconsin asks "What are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these damned things in Iowa, I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Wisconsin opens the car door and pushes out the man from Illinois.
The Wall
Three guys, a Dallas fan, a Packer fan, and a Viking fan are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Dallas Fan says, "I am a farmer, my Dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Texas."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Texas was forever made fertile for farming.
The Viking Fan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Minnesota so that no infidels, Bear Fans, or Packer Fans, can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF', there was a huge wall around Minnesota.
Izzy, the Wisconsinite asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state; nothing can get in or out."
Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."
A Question of Balance
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?". "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass. "What's that one?" he asked.
"Ah," said God. "That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite shore-line along the Great Lakes. The people from Wisconsin are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth b@$t@rd$ I'm putting next to them in Illinois and Minnesota."
Ice Fishing Contest
The Vikings challenged the Packers to an ice-fishing contest. When it came time for the catch weigh-in, the Packers had 100 lbs. of fish, and the Vikings had zero. The Vikings demanded a rematch for the next Saturday.
This time the Packers came in with 200 lbs. of fish, and the Vikings had zero. The Vikings decided the Packers must be cheating so they demanded another rematch, and sent a spy dressed in green and gold to check it out.
This time the Packers came in with 300 lbs., and the Vikings still had zero. So, the Vikings asked their spy if the Packers were cheating.
"Hell yes, they were cheating! They were drilling holes in the ice!"
The Funeral
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front.
He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead."
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.
"Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
A Packer Fan in Heaven
A devout Packer fan died and had just arrived in heaven (that's where all Packer fans go, you know). He was talking to an angel trying to get the lowdown on what heaven was going to be like. He asked the angel if there were any former packers in heaven.
The angel replied, "Sure, all the greats are here."
He then asked the angel if they played football and the angel replied that in heaven, every day is Packer Sunday and the Pack always wins.
Being very excited the fan asked if Vince Lombardi was there and as he asked, he saw a man with dark rimmed glasses, a heavy overcoat, and a cap that looked strangely like the one Vince Lombardi wore in the Ice Bowl.
When asked excitedly if that was him, if that was Vincent T. Lombardi, the angel replied, "No, that was God. He likes to act like he's Lombardi."
The Dog
A man walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. He noted a dog intently watching a Packers - Bears game.
Whenever the Packers scored, the dog would jump onto the bar and do an animated dance. This happened over and over as the Packers scored again and again. At the end of the game the dog let out a loud howl and ran out of the bar.
The man thought this was pretty unusual and asked the bartender, "Gee that's amazing. What happens when the Bears win?"
The bartender replied "I don't know, the dog's only 4 years old."
The Telephone
John Madden was in Dallas to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Cowboy's bench. He asked Chan Gailey what it was for, and he was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Chan told him, "Sure, but it will cost you fifty bucks."
John pulled out his wallet and made the call.
The next weekend John Madden was at Lambeau Field when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Packers' bench. He asked Ray Rhodes if it was a hotline to God, and Mike said, "Yes, and you can use it for a quarter."
John asked why it was so much cheaper than the Cowboy's phone, and Ray replied, "Local call."
What about Iowa?
Q: Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team?
